How to Be Popular and/or Divorce

While the roommates and I were hiding from the fumigation we spent far to long in an unimpressive cafe where we found some of the most fabulously disturbing magazines I've yet to encounter. Maybe you thought Seventeen was evil? Wait until you read TeenStyle (I think that was the name) and Just Divorced.

Yes, that's the name of the magazine. Check out the photographic evidence at left.

Just Divorced is actually against divorce and associates all split-ups with cheating. Apparently there is a lot of cheating in Egypt.

Check out what one man says in the "JD" Cheating Poll: Why do spouses cheat on each other?

"It's the woman's fault. When women start having children they start either abandoning themselves physically (growing fatter & not taking care of themselves) or they begin to have decreased appetite for intimacy. This I believe causes a lot of strain in a relationship which in turn tempts the husband to look outside for the satisfaction he is not getting from his wife." - Bassem, 42

Stupid women. Don't they know that pushing a ten pound living being through their vaginae is no excuse for the slightest diminishment of their marital duties?

And why has the divorce rate in Egypt sky-rocketed in the past few years?

"The empowerment of women." - Ahmed Tantawi, 36

I'm not sure whether Mr. Tantawi considers this a positive or negative change, but I might hazard a guess.

There are some fun divorce jokes too. For instance:

"Have you heard of the new divorced Barbie? She comes with all of Ken's stuff!"

"If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog - you know he'll shut up when he comes in."

"A woman is telling her friend "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "What was he before you married him," asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire!"

The sad part is that this magazine is pretty obviously targeted toward women. The ads are for spas and hair products.

But sadder still is TeenStyle. Here's how they advise aspiring singers to get famous (and I swear they were not joking when doing so):

- Don't be yourself.
- Don't be original.
- Imitate Western music and style in every way.
And so on.

Roommates' and my favorite, however, was the piece on How To Be Popular. There are several easy steps and we've decided to get on it post haste so as to not waste another moment as the losers we apparently are. First of all, TeenStyle advises its readers to dump all geeky, shy or bookworm friends. (They don't mention who will then do the popular kids' homework, but perhaps that comes in a later installment.) And if you have the misfortune of actually being one of the geek/bookworms, no problem! Lose the glasses and the tidy hairstyle, and read on.

Girls are advised to get new wardrobes. They may have to wear uniforms but there's nothing stopping them buying said outfits two sizes too small. And make-up, although perhaps forbidden by the school, is never a bad thing. Also, the cool kids should meet in the bathroom at least once per hour. Though they may not have to use the bathroom physically, it's more important to see and be seen with the popular crowd.

I can't remember the other tips but they were equally enlightening. This article was apparently written by a 15 year old Egyptian gal. What will the in crowd do when they find out she's given away all their secrets?

With this advice in hand, I'm ready to be the popularest girl in school. And in order to look all the cooler, I got a haircut yesterday. It cost 35 pounds (about $6) and took all of five minutes.

Here's what it looks like after being styled by the hair dude and slept on. I've yet to see how it looks when it submits to my usual, rigorous styling regime: shampoo, occasionally condition and. . . do nothing else.




Yesterday was the orientation for new grad students in the Middle East Studies department and I am now officially freaking out about ever being able to finish the requirements. The advisor drew a handy chart on the board in which a student, taking three credit courses a semester for four semesters, could finish easily.

But this chart ignored the fact that, should one take intensive Arabic (as I will be starting with the first day of classes tomorrow!), then said student can only take two credit classes because intensive Arabic counts as two classes. And it also glosses over the fact that the final semester is supposed to be be spent writing a thesis, not taking three classes while writing a thesis.

They've raised the Arabic requirement for my class as a special favor. Previously, students had only to get through Arabic level 201, but now we are asked to get a 2.5 out of 5 on the Arabic foreign service exam, approximately the equivalent of level 301 (or a whole year more of experience)! Mind you, I am very excited to learn Arabic and I want to learn as much as humanly (or mentally) possible. I would have kept doing Arabic during my entire time here, anyway because I want to be fluent. But the possibility of failing in this requirement terrifies me.

Right now I'm thinking I will definitely do the winter session to learn more Arabic, and my current panicked state also makes me lean toward the summer session as well, but maybe I will have new ideas by then? Maybe all that not sleeping will have caught up with me? Or maybe I'll be studying so much I'll never be able to leave the library until I am dragged out, two years from now, a newly minted Master, but a social midget?

No! I am going to be popular! I am going to wear my clothes too small (not difficult considering the range of available sizes) and paint my eyelids blue!

As an added bonus, please enjoy this image borrowed from my friend Little R's blog. This is my expression when I think about how difficult my program seems right now. The orange is not the school's decoration for the incoming freshmen but, in fact, the result of my over-taxed head exploding.